Make Miracles in Forty Days

Hi everyone. I read Make Miracles in Forty Days last week and started doing my daily lists a few days ago. Hmm.. I'm not even sure how to describe what's going on in my head but I'll give it a shot..

*deep breath* Here goes. So I really don't like labels, but about 10 years ago I started having terrible panic attacks and was diagnosed with something called "Depersonalization Disorder". Basically (for me, at least), this "disorder" is a severe form of anxiety that makes my sense of Self and the world around me seem unreal. It makes me feel almost like a robot, just going through the motions of daily life, doing what is "expected" of me but with very little emotional attachment to anything or anyone. Anyway, I don't want to go into too much detail about that. What it boils down to is that I have been to countless therapists and psychiatrists over the past decade. I have been prescribed many different medications, most of them not helping at all or actually making me feel worse.

A couple years ago I was prescribed Klonopin, which decreased my anxiety enough that I started feeling "real" again for a while - at least to a certain degree. Along with this, I am prescribed two anti-depressants. I don't know how effective any of these drugs are anymore, I just know that I feel like hell whenever I try to taper off of them. I am prescribed a pretty hefty dose of the Klonopin (1mg, 3x daily) and I have had absolutely no success trying to taper down my dosage of that. If I decrease by even .125mg/day, I start feeling pretty terrible withdrawal symptoms within a couple days.

I have never abused the Klonopin, as it is a narcotic and I'm already involved in 12-step work for other addictions/addictive behaviors. Anywho, I've been doing the gratitude lists for a few days and do feel they have been therapeutically valuable for me. However, I'm somewhat puzzled about the med situation and how it fits into the scheme of Project Miracle.

I don't want to be on the meds - like I said, I don't even know if they're "helping" at this point. But I do know from my experience how painful it is trying to function without them. I was (literally) non-functional before I started the Klonopin - couldn't leave the house, work, or even get out of bed most of the time. In the book, Melody mentions psych meds and how they've created a culture that tries to avoid negative feelings at all costs (I'm paraphrasing, don't remember her exact words). While I agree with this, I also know that I don't personally take the meds to avoid feeling. It's more a matter of practicality and being able to hold down a job, etc. (Just the thought of quitting the meds brings up thoughts of losing my job, applying for disability, another stay in the psych ward - just lots of things that I don't want).

So I guess I'm just wondering.. how do I proceed? Is it even possible for someone in my situation to have the "miracle experience"? Should I be writing daily about my feelings towards the meds? Should one of my goals be to get off psych meds? Actually I have written (privately) a few times over the past several days that I want to be less dependent on meds and more dependent on my Higher Power. Should I just write down my concerns about the meds and hide them away until my answer comes (as page 129 suggests)? How will I know when that answer comes, given my circumstances? I'm not necessarily looking for concrete answers to any of this, as I know the Miracle exercise/experience is unique to each individual. I'm just more so looking for guidance. I'd love to hear from anyone who might be in a similar situation. I tried searching the forum for "meds", "medication", etc, but it doesn't seem like anyone has posted much on the topic.

Sorry this ended up being so long - I tried making it as brief as possible while still making my concerns known. Thanks to anyone who actually takes the time to read this hehe.

Regards,
Bryan

thanks so much, denise love and light to you as well

Hi Bryan - thanks so much for your response sorry I have been slow to respond, I've been quite busy lately and haven't had much free time at the computer. I can relate to what you had to say about pain meds, though my meds are obviously different. I am not so much concerned about taking the meds as I am about the pain and mental turmoil I experience without them.

I ended up writing down my questions about the meds and then just sort of hid them away, trusting that Life will bring me the answers when I'm ready.

I agree 100% about loving yourself. That has always been a huge issue for me; I've always worried too much about others' opinions of me and tend to be very critical of myself. I do feel like writing my inventory each day is helping me feel more comfortable just being me. I definitely don't feel like I'm to the point of *loving* myself, but it's a work in progress

Out of curiosity, what led you to stop taking the Klonopin? Like I said, I'm not so much concerned about taking it as I am about stopping. I'm almost positive I would end up doing a lengthy stay in the psych ward if I decided to stop taking the Klonopin - I would need a safe place to detox from it. But I am taking things one day at a time, and that is something that certainly doesn't need to be dealt with at this very moment.

For now I will continue to write my lists each morning (I find myself adding to the lists throughout the day as well, often writing more throughout the day than I do in the morning) and try to keep doing the next right thing. I think I have found a 12-step Sponsor and am looking forward to resuming Step-work with him. I feel the daily lists really complement Step-work very nicely.

Anywho, thank you again for your words of wisdom, they are greatly appreciated And nice name, by the way! My name is Bryan as well - there aren't too many of us who spell it with a Y

Heya (demifugue) it's ok if you want to email me directly - I am lovsness2b@yahoo.com - hope to chat/hear from you